Dear Max,
I’m in my early 30s and recently realized how deeply I’ve internalized shame about being gay.
I’ve come a long way outwardly—out to friends, decent job, even dating—but inside, I still feel like I’m not “good enough.” Like I have to earn my place.
I think it’s from years of hiding and trying to be what everyone else wanted. How do I start loving myself for real?
-Still Hiding Inside
⸻
Dear Still Hiding,
First of all, thank you for your honesty. That raw, vulnerable truth you shared? It’s something many gay men—myself included—have wrestled with at some point.
Growing up in a world that often treats queerness like something to suppress or sanitize leaves scars.
So if you’re feeling this ache of shame while also living a seemingly “out and proud” life, know this: you’re not broken. You’re healing.
Shame has a way of lingering in quiet places. It doesn’t just vanish when we come out or get into a relationship. It sticks around in those subtle thoughts; when you feel less worthy than your straight peers, when you over-apologize in relationships, when you downplay your joy so you don’t “make a scene.”
But here’s the truth I want you to hold onto: self-love isn’t something you perform; it’s something you practice. And it’s okay if you’re just starting now. Loving yourself after years of self-erasure takes intention, but it’s deeply possible.
Here are some steps you can begin with:
1. Name the Shame.
Start noticing the internal dialogue. Is there a voice that says, “You’re too much,” “You don’t belong,” or “You’ll never be truly loved”? That voice isn’t your truth, it’s a memory. Naming it helps you create distance.
2. Rewrite the Script.
Once you hear the voice, respond to it like you would to a scared friend. “Actually, I do deserve love. I belong. I matter.” It may feel fake at first. Keep doing it anyway.
3. Find Mirrors, Not Magnifying Glasses.
Spend time with people who reflect your worth back to you, not those who only see your flaws or who subtly shame your queerness. Chosen family can be a lifesaver here.
4. Unpack the Past.
If you haven’t already, working with a queer-affirming therapist can be game-changing. Processing old wounds in a safe space allows you to reclaim parts of yourself that had to hide.
5. Celebrate Without Apology.
Find joy in your identity; dance, flirt, wear what you love, love who you love. Celebrate your queerness not in spite of the world’s discomfort, but in defiance of it.
6. Practice Softness.
You don’t need to hustle for approval. You don’t have to earn rest, affection, or belonging. You are enough as you are, right now, full stop.
Still Hiding, I want you to know this: the fact that you’re asking this question tells me your heart is ready to grow. You’re already doing the work. Be patient with yourself. Self-love isn’t a destination, it’s a relationship. And it’s one you deserve to invest in, every single day.
Good luck!
Max