Is it ok to feel betrayed if your friend refuses to come out to you?
Dear Max,
I LOVE your column here on b-gay.com!! Anyways, I wonder how wrong I am.
I have two roommates and both of them know that I’m bi. One of my roommates is straight and both he and I know that my other roommate is gay or at least bi.
But he’s so far in the closet he won’t admit to it to even me. Which I think is really weird.
A part of me feels betrayed that he doesn’t trust me enough to come out to me even though I trusted him enough to come out to him a while back.
My other roommate keeps telling me that I shouldn’t think too much about it but I can’t leave it alone. I can’t help but believe that he would be happier if he did come out.
As a result, my relationship with him has been somewhat strained and I don’t like having these feelings about him.
He may be straight, he may be gay, he may be bi or he may not even know what he is yet. The fact is, unless he decides otherwise it’s really no one’s business but his own.
Whatever his reasons may be to not come out to you – if he is in fact bi/gay – the important thing is to make him know that you will be there for him no matter what.
So relax and enjoy your friendship.
Stop being an expert on how he should run his life and focus your energy on being there for him no matter who he likes or says he likes.
Dear Francis, why even bother? The guy is most likely straight! He will never be yours – no matter how much you want it – so it’s really just a total waste of your time.
Focus your energy into someone who is gay and who is going to give you what you need and the love that you deserve.
Remember, straight men are like a Barbie doll collection. You can look at them, you may be able to play with them, but they will never love you back or will never want to be in a real relationship with you.
So save yourself some hurt and keep that infatuation to yourself. Keep him as a fantasy.
That way, you can have him any time you want. The reality is – in real life – you can’t.
Gordon Thomson, who played Adam Carrington on the 80’s soap classic “Dynasty,” comes out as gay at 72
In an exclusive interview with Daily Beast, Gordon Thomson talks about the Hollywood closet, coming out and the famous gay story line on Dynasty.
“It’s very nice to be as candid as I have been, believe me,” Thomson says about coming out late in life.
“When I was growing up it [homosexuality] was a crime, and then classified as a mental illness.
“It was not until Pierre Trudeau was prime minister of Canada when I was 23, 24 years old, did it cease being a crime, and it was not until I was nearly 30 that it stopped being classified as a mental illness in the U.S. So you’re dealing with that. And the shame, the breathtaking lack of self-esteem, has only just begun to seep out of my soul.”
Fortunately times have changed, and the Canadian actor says he’s now comfortable with letting the world know.
“I’m assuming that people know, and now that I’m my age that’s fine. I don’t go out of my way because it’s my generation, I think. I’m probably as homophobic as any gay man alive because of my background.”
Thomson says he never felt the urge, as a gay actor, to protest against how the writers portrayed gays through the character Steven on the show:
“Oh no. No. I wasn’t out, are you kidding?” Thomson says.
“The show, the time, the fact I was a leading man to look at. No. No. No. Rock [Hudson, who appeared in Dynasty before dying of complications due to AIDS, and whose kiss with Linda Evans’ Krystle was notorious because of ’80s AIDS panic] only came out when he got sick. This was an utterly different time.
Gordon Thomson
“Richard Chamberlain (Dr. Kildare, The Thorn Birds), who I know very slightly, had what I think was the right attitude to it. If you look like a leading man, why bother coming out? You don’t have to. The fact is half your audience is women and most of those women are straight, and this is who you are playing to especially with a show like Dynasty, or a soap opera.
“You’re also a source of fantasy. Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi are wonderful people, but pardon me, how many audience members fantasize about f*cking either one of them? Really. It had a lot to do with what you looked like, I’m afraid.”
The Canadian actor is definitely no fan of CW’s reboot of the show, though. “I have had a look at the new Dynasty and I am appalled. What the f*ck is the CW doing?”
The ideal approach to enjoying a gay long weekend in San Francisco
San Francisco may just be the most talked-about and dynamic gay and lesbian destination in the world. But with so much to see and do, how do you make the most of a short visit to the City by the Bay?
You’ll want to soak up the culture of cool neighborhoods like the Castro and the Mission. You can’t leave without glimpsing the must-see attractions, such as the Golden Gate Bridge and the beautifully redesigned de Young Museum.
And then there are the incredible restaurants, serving everything from fresh-harvested oysters to bountiful organic salads to decadent chocolate desserts.
Here’s one approach to enjoying a long weekend in San Francisco, ideal for both first-time and repeat visitors.
You might begin by purchasing a San Francisco CityPass, which you can order online before you go.
The pass, which costs $89 per person (2017), provides free admission to several of the city’s most prominent attractions as well as seven days of unlimited travel on the Cable Car and Muni bus and train network and sightseeing boat excursions on the city’s Blue and Gold Fleet.
Attractions included:
Entrance to either the Aquarium of the Bay or Monterey Bay Aquarium
Entrance to either the Exploratorium science museum or De Young Museum of Art
Friday Night
Hayes Valley, a central neighborhood that’s easily reached from downtown or the Castro, has several fun, low-keyed restaurants, perfect for your first evening in town.
One of the best is Cafe Delle Stelle, which serves superb, reasonably inexpensive Italian fare. Although you could survive on the rich Tuscan bread that comes with your meal, you’ll want to sample the delicious homemade pastas and traditional Italian dishes, ranging from polenta with roasted portobello mushrooms to roasted pumpkin ravioli with sage butter.
From here it’s a 15-minute walk to the Castro, where you can check out the dozens of lively gay bars and clubs, including such neighborhood faves as the bustling and youthful The Cafe, popular dance/video bar Badlands, and the friendly neighborhood bar Moby Dick.
The laid-back Pilsner Inn, and the hip Q Bar, which draws vigorous, young crowds on the weekends, are also great choices.
Or if you’re walking back toward downtown, you can peek inside one of the bars that still line Polk Street, a longtime gay-nightlife hub in the ’70s and ’80s that has only a few nightspots left these days.
Good bets include the Cinch Saloon, a mellow neighborhood joint, and Gangway, the oldest gay bar in San Francisco.
Saturday
In the morning, head to the Castro to explore this famous gay neighborhood during daylight hours.
Amendola leads visitors past the Pink Triangle Park & Memorial, the residence of slain gay icon Harvey Milk, and the ornate and historic Castro Theatre.
The tours leave at 10 a.m. and are also offered Tuesday through Friday (9 a.m.).
After the tour, set aside some time for shopping. The Castro has grown up over the past decades as a sophisticated retail neighborhood, with everything from high-end clothiers and boutiques to adult gift and bookshops.
Then walk (about 30 minutes) or take Muni over to lush Golden Gate Park to visit the de Young Museum, which has a distinctive copper exterior and a dramatic 145-foot observation tower that looms high above the park’s leafy trees.
Spectacular collections of American paintings and sculptures, African art, and textiles fill this beautiful building.
Saturday Night
The Mission District is a great neighborhood for dinner, with the Foreign Cinema ranking among the top picks.
This romantic dinner destination creates awesome dining experiences for the palatte and the senses, serving guests in a lovely courtyard that projects classic foreign films on the walls.
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Limon is another superb choice, serving kicky Latin fusion fare and tangy sangria.
If you’re up for nighttime fun, you can always head back to the Castro, or if you’re a serious clubber, take a cab to the trendy SoMa neighborhood, where you’ll find the famed Powerhouse and Stud discos.
Here you will also find raunchy fetish and leather bars like the lovably sleazy Hole in the Wall Saloon and the rough-and-tumble SF-Eagle, which brings in live bands many evenings.
Sunday
Walk or take Muni northeast along Market Street for a leisurely late breakfast or early lunch at the Ferry Building Marketplace, a gorgeous 1898 former transportation hub that was converted a few years ago into fabulous food shops and restaurants.
There’s also a farmers market held on the grounds on Sundays, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., spring through fall.
Order a tender ahi burger and garlic fries at Gott’s Roadside, before devouring a few scoops at Humphry Slocombe – a San Francisco hot spot and definitive trendsetter in ice cream innovation.
Next, take Muni along the Embarcadero to Pier 41.
This is a touristy part of the city, adjoining Fisherman’s Wharf and its slew of annoyingly kitschy shops, but from Pier 41 you can use your CityPass to take a free one-hour Blue & Gold Fleet boat tour of San Francisco Bay.
This is the quickest and easiest, and arguably the most interesting, way to get a sense of why San Francisco ranks among the most beautiful cities in the world.
These narrated tours pass under the Golden Gate Bridge, by the tony towns of Sausalito and Tiburon, and around the infamous former prison, Alcatraz.
Sunday Night
Head to one of the Castro’s hottest gay-date spots, Catch, which serves addictive french fries tossed with Parmesan cheese and white-truffle oil as well as a dandy grilled monkfish with herb-mushroom risotto.
Or for a more casual experience, go to Harvey’s who serves a full menu of hearty options before the bar crowd shows up.
Monday
Depending on the exact time of your departure, you can set aside Monday to check out a neighborhood you hadn’t sufficient time to explore, such as SoMa, home to outstanding San Francisco Museum of Modern Art (SFMOMA).
Or perhaps spend a little time browsing Macy’s, Gump’s, or any of the hundreds of fine shops around Union Square.
You can break for lunch at Townhall, a superb contemporary American restaurant set inside a vintage SoMa warehouse, where you might sample duck-confit enchiladas with tomatillo sauce, or a poached-shrimp club sandwich with bacon and heirloom tomatoes.
Where to Stay
A splendidly restored 1909 Edwardian mansion straddling the Castro and Mission neighborhoods, Parker Guest House is the Castro’s most spectacular inn.
Guests make considerable use of the lavish public areas and appreciate the antiques, rich fabrics, and modern conveniences (WiFi, voicemail) in the 21 sun-filled rooms. Paths wind through extensive gardens and lawns.
Parker Guest House
A more affordable Castro option is the Willows Inn, whose 12 cozy, warmly furnished rooms share four bathrooms and four separate shower rooms but have all the other charms and comforts you’d expect of a far pricier small hotel.
Both properties draw a mix of lesbians and gay men.
If you’d prefer to stay downtown, consider booking a room at one of the several hotels run by the gay-friendly Kimpton or Joie de Vivre hotel chains.
Favorite Kimpton properties include urban chic The Buchanan, a sultry, historic revival hotel which features a sophisticated, residential flavor with artful touches.
And with its Beefeater doormen, a grand lobby, and a killer location just steps from Chinatown and Union Square, the four-star Sir Francis Drake is a San Francisco regal icon.
Joie de Vivre offers a range of great hotels, like the ultra-chic Hotel Vitale, which opened in 2005 across from the Ferry Building Marketplace and is best-known for its nifty Panoramic Suites, with 180-degree views of San Francisco Bay.
Hotel Carltonis a boutique hotel in San Francisco’s Lower Nob Hill with an eclectic decor and laid-back, eco-friendly vibe.
Hotel Phoenix’ funky space, wedged between San Francisco’s gritty Tenderloin district and its iconic Civic Center, incorporates ’50s architecture and design, artwork by local artists, and a tropical courtyard and heated pool in an atmosphere that feels both chic and unpretentious.
In this city known for its swank and sumptuous hotels, the biggest challenge you may face during a three-day visit is finding the motivation to leave your cushy guest room.
I actually had a friend like that once. Everybody knew he was gay but it took him years to come out, also to me even though he knew I was gay.
It’s always scary to expose yourself and come out to someone but I don’t think you should be too concerned since they already know. And they’re still your friends even though they may be a bit uncomfortable and standoffish.
The way I see it there is a few different approaches to how you can handle this.
Just tell that you’re gay
You can be totally upfront and tell that you’re gay right away. All you have to say is that you overheard them talking about you and your sexuality and that you are in fact gay. Tell them that you needed to be comfortable with yourself first before telling them.
Let them mind their own business
You can just keep on going like you do today. Remember, it’s your life and it’s entirely up to you if and when you want to come out. Don’t feel pressured to come out if you don’t want to.
Enjoy the ride
Or you can have a bit fun with it. You know that they know that you’re gay. And they’re still your friends. How obviously gay can you be before they actually ask you straight out?
The last option is a bit risky though so it may be best to just keep it simple and move on with your life.
