My Wife Knows About My Boyfriend

Is coming out always the right thing to do?

Dear Max,

I am 42 years old and in my second marriage, I’ve come to realize that I’m bi and possibly gay.

I’ve had a few sexual encounters over the years and now have a long distance boyfriend for the past 6 months that I see about once a month.

I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin because I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I should throw away my current life and everything I have to lead a gay life or if I should try to ignore my urges.

My wife knows about my boyfriend and insists that I quit calling him.

What should I do with my life? How do I know what to do?

–Confused

Dear Confused,
You probably know deep inside what you need to do, but you are afraid to do so. You know how much pain you are causing, but yet are afraid to make a decision because you are afraid to make the wrong one.

So what to do? keep your wife or your boyfriend? What you need to do is to find out who you really are.

Who is going to make you happy and complete? Your wife? your boyfriend? women? men?

It is very easy to find sex, but very hard to find love. Anyone can sleep around, but it takes a strong person to be faithful.

The key is to be happy with yourself and to find the right partner for you. Life is full of decisions. Humans learn by their mistakes.

So don’t be afraid and take control of your life. Only you know what makes you happy but we can all see that your current situation is hurting everyone.

Good luck!

6 COMMENTS

  1. I had a very similar scenario 20 years ago in 1996, married to a woman with a daughter, and for me decided I no longer was bisexual, but gay. I needed to leave my marriage then, but that doesn’t mean this scenario it’s right for you… everyone is different. I have some friends who are openly gay, married to opposite sex partners, and still carry on meaningfull, mindfull lives by choice. I’d say it’s an open book, and you are the author. My opinion: all you have to do is have an honest conversation, proceed with compassion, curiosity and fearlessness, and carry on that way everyday forward… my best wishes to you all. Love, BKM

  2. Its simple. Out of respect for the people you share life and love, it goes like this. If your wife says no than you drop the boyfriend. If you respect your wife but need the boyfriend more than get a divorce. Out of respect. the only way you can have both is if your in a marriage where the wife agrees its ok. Can’t have your cake and eat it too.

  3. Lie to my wife, lie to everyone I know…or lie to myself.

    Live an honest and integrated life, with integrity, or live the life I am living.

    Really difficult questions. The only person who can answer it is you. It’s not a question between gay and straight, not really. I wouldn’t advise you to go one way or the other. I would advise you to grow up and start telling the truth, and to keep whatever commitments you have made.

  4. My advice is that you first be honest to yourself. Once you’ve done that, you will know how you must proceed. If you discover that you are in love with your wife, then you must lose the boyfriend, since she has asked you to do so. If you determine that you are in love with your boyfriend, then you must get a divorce from your wife, as it would be unfair to her to remain in your marriage when you’re in love with someone else. I think you probably already know what the answer is, even though you may be too afraid to act upon it.

  5. I had a similar experience, with my first (and only) marriage. I tried desperately to give up the boyfriend(s), with the intention of saving my marriage. But eventually I had to face the fact that I enjoyed sex with my wife, but CRAVED sex with men. And nothing was going to change that… certainly not willpower!
    When I told her, I knew she would be very hurt, but I never expected the reaction I got. She walked out on me, and our children, and filed for divorce. I got the kids, the house, and my car. She got the 8 passenger minivan, all to herself. And now, 15 years later, I have happy, well-adjusted adult children, because I was a happy, well-adjusted gay dad.

  6. Good for you I like your opportunity and I wish it to have a boyfriend and a wife at the same time. Very good and funny.
    In my dreams I imagine …. So good and so sexy. In my idea you will continue with both of them

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